Respond with Sensitivity
From APIofPeoriaWiki
The Ideal
Understanding and responding sensitively to your infant's emotional needs is the cornerstone of Attachment Parenting. Remember that crying is your infant's way of telling you s/he is distressed. Building a strong attachment or connection with your baby is more than just caring for the baby's physical needs, but also involves spending enjoyable time interacting with your baby or child on a daily basis.
- Don't be afraid to fall in love with your baby.
- The common cues or reasons for crying include hunger, tiredness, discomfort, and loneliness.
- Other reasons for crying
- Stress from too much stimulation
- Picking up on mother's stress
- Needs to be held or laid down
- Needs skin to skin contact to feel secure
- Gas and/or colic
- "High-need" is a term that is often used to describe the temperament of a baby who is often fussy. These infants may need a lot of close physical contact, movement or loving attention. They may also be sensitive to certain solid foods or foods ingested by the mother
Contents |
Be Emotionally Responsive
Information
High Needs Infants
Toddler Tantrums
What are they?
If you've ever seen a toddler then you've probably seen a toddler tantrum! Fists pounding, legs flailing, rolling on the floor, screams and tears all coming out of what was once your adorable child.
Why do they have them?
As children develop their mental capacity tends to jump forward before their verbal and motor skills do. This leave both infants and toddlers with thoughts, ideas, wants, likes and dislikes that they aren't able to express or achieve. The result is an increase in frustration which is released in a variety of ways, including an all out tantrum. Parents often see the tears in infants, but as infants turn into toddlers increased control over bodily actions give them a whole new set of ways to display their frustration.
What does one do about them?
Tips from the Pros
Q:' We were visiting friends for 4th of July. Their 2yr old started throwing a tantrum when her mom put music on instead of another movie after the other movie they had on finished. Anyway, after about 10 minutes or so, the parents put the little girl up in her room to let her scream it out up there. OMG it hurt my heart. I just wanted to go up there and hug her and hold her. There was no getting down to her level and explaining. There was no hugging. Eventually, they went up and brought her out. So, what do you do with a 2yr old that is flipping out - as they're just learning that the world doesn't revolve around them, and communication (words and listening) is still such a challenge?
A: Here's what we do when DS does this. I realized that when he is in the midst of the emotion, it does no good to talk to him...he can't hear me (literally and figuratively). I tell him that when he calms down we will talk. I stay with him, but don't act too interested (DS really just wants attention and it seemed to encourage the tantrum if we gave it attention). I periodically ask him if he's ready to talk. If he calms down enough, I go to him and get down on his level or pull him up in my lap. While touching him in some way, I just calmly explain the situtation and expectations. For instance, "we've already watched a DS show, it's time for Daddy to have a turn with the TV. Let's go do something fun." or "It's really not safe for you to do xyz...that is a job for mommies and daddies."
A: I think some of the best techniques are offering empathy, acknowledging the feelings and allowing the person to feel them...sort through them while offering support and kindness...also not allowing yourself to get caught up and to feel responsible for the tantrum or the emotions...(sound familiar anyone? LOL) We cannot parent someone else's children, but we can be models for them when these things come up with our own children...
Maybe in this particular situation statements like "boy, it sure is frustrating when you little girl is so upset" or "you feel angry that your child wants her way" or something like that...empathy with the parent could show them that it is safe to express empathy for their child...does that make sense?
A: I always offer words that maybe they would like to use: you wish you would listen to the Barney music (whatever). You don't want to listen to this music. You are mad! Two years old, this is the response imo. Scream, shout, whatever. I usually stand with a pretty bland expression. Humm. Eyebrows raised a little, down at child's eye level, waiting for it to end.
If it's something I'm willing to negotiate on and the child is headed down the wrong road I usually help him/her find the words. Example Child (shouting): I WANTED THAT ONE! Me: "Excuse me." Child: "Excuse me." Me: "May I please" Child "May I please have that one?" Me: Sure. What nice manners.
A:ugh. well, the most important things are to understand the development of a child at this age, and be emotionally responsive to you *individual* child.
knowing that 2 yr olds can have fits normalizes the issue. yes they can. they are learning that they have input but not total control over their world. as a friend has famously said, young children's emotions become physical very quickly!! this is normal. to a point, adults need to model for them what is socially acceptable. however the part of the job that often gets ignored is the part where adults model for the child the EMOTIONS are MESSY and NORMAL and ACCEPTABLE! we live in a society that prides stoicism. but ap says to heck with that! we are emotional creatures who need regard for our emotions.
so how do you accept and give regard for your child's emotions displayed in a physical tantrum? hopefully the same way you do when they are laughing or playing intently. you find balance between affirming the child without 'taking over their space'. if a child is forced into time out or isolation at this age, their space has been taken over. the child may be alone, but they have not been able to explore their own space. space is not just a physical surrounding but a spiritual and psychological place where they are able to experiment and explore without punitive results.
in many professional opinions, at age 2, isolation of any kind can seem like DEATH and ABANDONMENT! i do not say that to induce guilt, but to educate. so this is why it is important to KNOW your child through an emotionally responsive relationship. you probably have a good idea if your child is overstimulated by holding, or comforted by holding. you know if a child panics upon being isolated, or is able to breathe.
A: Are the child's basic needs met? A Child cannot act right if they do not feel right... are they hungry, tired, overstimulated (which could be my guess at the original problem, with a child who melted down twice when there were guests), needing my attention (this is still a NEED, not a WANT), needing to release some pent up emotion (also a NEED).
If I can identify the basic need to be fulfilled, then I can attempt to fill that need, and often, the 'bad behavior' is resolved when the basic needs are met.
I also still acknowledge her feelings. I was doing a poor job of this the other day (probably because MY basic needs were not met!!!). After attempting to soothe DD's through a tantrum I told her, as she looked at me and howled louder with each eye contact made, "That's enough already". She informed me, "No, Mommy, that's NOT enough!" Well. That sort of put me in my place. Who was I to say that she should be done feeling the feelings she was having? LOL Leave it to a child....
Sometimes, they just need a little hugging and snuggling, or just some acknowledgement that we *get it* and that whatever they are feeling is OK. Sometimes, we just have to say 'it can be scary to be feeling angry" or "You are SO MAD that it's time to put the paints away! I can see you are SO MAD!!!! Can you tell me HOW MAD you are? OH, that is SO MAD! You roared like a lion, you are SO MAD!" This really works more than people think it would.
There's already been some good discussion on time ins, so I won't elaborate more on that. Just remember, it's not WHAT you call it, it's HOW you implement it... just know that a time out, used as the classic definition of isolating for the purpose of punishment is NOT positive discipline. It is not emotionally responsive. It also does not meet my test of 'does this leave both my and my own child's dignity intact.' It also does not pass my golden rule test (would I do this to another adult?)
Time Ins vs Time Outs
What is a Time Out?
A time out is a way to remove your child from a dangerous or upsetting situation and provide them with a safe place to sit while he/she calms down. The distinguishing feature of a time out is isolation from those who the child loves and cares for. Children placed in time outs are set alone for arbitrary amounts of time as punishment for an action or misbehavior.
What is a Time In?
A time in is also a way to remove your child from a dangerous or upsetting situation and provide them with a safe place to sit while he/she calms down. However, unlike the time out, the time in provides the child with love and comfort from the caregiver because the caregiver never leaves the child's side. Children on time ins spend time connecting with the caregiver and while the caregiver discovers the child's unmet needs.
Q: How does a time in work? How do I implement this in my house for my child?
A: I prefer to use Time-Ins. This is my primary behavior modification program for DS. He misbehaves, he comes to the couch with me, where he stays until I can trust that he is listening and will be on better behavior. He usually flops and folds, sometimes screams or kicks, often climbs or even throws things. Fine. He stays with me until he shows me "calm" (hands in lap, nice deep breath). Sometimes he finally says "What did I do, Mom?" Which I think is secretly kind of cute. Then I know he's ready to talk about it. If he doesn't ask, I explain, when I think he is ready, what it is that I need from him (nice words, or nice hands, calm, listening, whatever). DS, btw, is 3.
A:Instead of a time out, I'd like to propose the idea of a time in. Time out seems to separate the child from his caregivers. Just when he is expressing his needs, the very source that might be able to meet his needs is removed from him.
Time in is all about connecting with the child and spending time focused on his needs. Whether we enjoy them or not (NOT) tantrums are a child's way of expressing unmet needs. When we take the time to connect and relate to the child, sometimes those needs just fall away.
Someone mentioned to me today that their DS had a phenomenal day after spending yesterday playing a few games together. She attributed it to spending time in. While time in, in this context, is slightly different, the emotional connection could be the same. When a child's tank is full, they may be able to get past the point at which they are *stuck* emotionally a and move on to processing their feelings and the situation.
A:Example: DD flings herself down on the ground and starts howling I DO IT MYSELF' because I have (*horrors*!!!) put the shirt on over her head rather than letting her pull it down. Is the issue *really* that I put the shirt on her? Maybe. Is the issue that breakfast is late, and she's really hungry? Probably. So, I pull the shirt off and say "I can see that you REALLY REALLY wanted to put your own shirt on!" Then, I let her fiddle with it, and I mention "Let's get this shirt on, so we can go get our oatmeal!" She perks up at the mention of oatmeal, so continue with that, and ask if she wants my help getting her shirt on. She says yes, so NOW it is OK that I give the shirt a little tug. And off we go to get our oatmeal.
This is a very simplistic example, but had I just isolated her (put her in her room, sent her to 'the corner', the naughty chair, etc for throwing a fit), I would not have had to figure out what the real problem was.
I made an effort to acknowledge her feelings, and figure out what she really needed.
Now, had the fit continued, which happens with DD, I have to be more creative.
Resources
Cry for Connection: A Fresh Approach to Tantrums from Mothering Magazine
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