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Positive Discipline: Meeting July 2002
Teaching Discipline by Carrie Kerr
I met some people recently who asked an interesting question. If
I don't spank my children, what technique do I use for discipline?
I was surprised at the extended pause I gave before answering. I
realized that there isn't one program or technique I use to discipline my
children--that would be artificial. My goal with discipline is to teach my
children to monitor their own behavior. I need to give them the tools to be
trusting, empathic, and affectionate both to themselves and others.
Children don't need to be punished, but they do need to be
taught. Discipline, after all, means "to teach." If we give them the ability to
evaluate and modify their own behavior then they won't need a third party to
provide consequences. Each child will have the ability to do this for
him/herself.
Sometimes I think that attachment parenting has a reputation of
developing children who lack control. I don't think this is true any more or
less than any other parenting technique. You are not, however, doing your child
a service if you don't provide discipline. There's a difference between
punishment, discipline, and lack thereof.
How do you accomplish the goal of internal discipline?
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Establish a trusting relationship
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Teach empathy and affection
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Be fair
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Speak about feelings--yours, theirs, and other's
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Include them in the process of solving problems
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Allow opportunities to make amends
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Consequences should be directly related to the behavior
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Discipline with energy--you cannot discipline from across
the room
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Be consistent
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Give praise much more than criticism
Summary of the July 2002 Meeting by Jen Scoby
We talked about how when you attachment parent, your relationship with your
child grows strong and you both feel connected. When you are connected, you are
more likely to know when your child is feeling right or not and why, and you can
shape your expectations and techniques for promoting good behavior and
discouraging bad behavior accordingly. Your child will feel and behave her best
when she knows what is expected of her and has tools for dealing with problems
that might occur...tools that you have given her using positive discipline.
Using discipline as an opportunity to teach pays off because it allows the child
to develop her own internal thought process for dealing with future challenges.
It's kind of like weight lifting. You lift to reshape your body and your added
muscle mass works as a body shaper in itself...burning calories even as you
rest. Similarly, you use positive discipline... you take the time to teach
instead of just to dictate, and your child begins to teach himself. He becomes
capable of the same thought processes that you yourself use to determine the
correct course of action in a situation as you sit back and smile. Both are hard
work, requiring patience, dedication and perseverance, but they are well worth
the results.
We also discussed the importance of being proactive rather than just reactive
and of using positive comments rather than just negative ones. Careful praise
can enhance a child's desire to behave well. When a child hears from her parents
about something that she does well, she's more likely to continue along those
lines. On top of that, a child who feels good about himself is more likely to
handle constructive criticism well!
Last but not least, when you discipline (i.e. teach) your child, think about how
you would like to be treated in a similar situation AND, about how you want your
grandchildren to be treated in a similar situation. We aren't just teaching our
children how to behave, we are teaching our children how to parent. Let them see
the real you and let them see a you who is working at staying on top of her
emotions and respectfully enforcing the limits that she deems to be important.
Modeling self-discipline is as important as teaching it with our words!
Love to you all! Jen
Discipline is an issue that parents have to deal
with from the time our babies are babies to the moment they step out of our
doors to their own homes! We encourage the use of positive discipline which
encompasses a huge variety of techniques and ideas because it stems directly
from our unique relationships with our very individual children. The following
is a summary of what our members quickly brainstormed and came up with to define
it and some of it's related concepts:
What is punishment?
Group 1: An unrelated consequence, unjust, unnecessary, cruel, something meant
to hurt back, vindictive.
Group 2: Hitting, an inappropriate form of discipline, authoritarian, quick &
dirty way to get things done, control through pain, a distraction from a real
learning issue.
Group 3: A negative reaction to misbehavior (that has no teaching value)
Group 4: Taking away something they enjoy, Losing privileges, leaving an
activity
What is positive discipline?
Group 1: Correcting the situation without harming self-esteem, teaching with
understanding, using empathy, natural consequences, finding the source of
behavior.
Group 2: Incorrect behavior turns into instruction in proper behavior, teaching
through example.
Group 3: Instructive, learning experience, using a misbehavior to teach, using
natural consequences of misbehavior.
Group 4: Communication, explaining reasons, teaching, consequences.
Desired qualities in a child:
Group 1: Happy, content, feel safe & secure, feels empathy for others, patience,
reasonable, communicative, fair, honest, compliant.
Group 2: Loving, affectionate, connected & responsive, good manners.
Group 3: Respect, internal discipline.
Group 4: Don't act up in public, polite, well mannered, plays well with others,
creative.
Alternatives to the answer "no."
Group 1: Stop, tell exactly what TO do, yes--but later, I will consider it, you
may choose something else.
Group 2: Not now, redirect, positive redirection of what to do, using "we"
instead of "you," ex. "we don't touch that," using good manners as you speak to
them, physically moving a child.
Group 3: I know you want to do that but..., Yes...after..., tell what TO do
instead of what not to do, state their feelings "I know you're really hungry for
a cookie."
Group 4: Maybe, go talk to mommy or daddy, later, use distraction.
Links
Top Ten
Discipline Principles Dr. Sears outlines the most fundamental ideas of using
positive discipline via attachment parenting.
Books
- How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk
by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
- Time-In: When Time-Out Doesn't Work by Jean Illsley
Clarke
- The Discipline Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a
Better-Behaved Child from Birth to Age Ten by Dr. William
and Martha Sears R.N.
- Raising Your Child Not by Force but by Love by Sidney
Craig
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Need more Positive Discipline Information? See our meeting
handouts from October 2005. |
